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This Manic Mother Sucks Sometimes...and other shit.

I don't have much time to write, as I am waiting for my shitass doctor's office to return my call so that I can go pick up my prescription in the next few mins. I just had this thought running through my mind, and didn't want it to slip away like all of my other fleeting thoughts that are but a forgotten memory. I think I may be a little manic. Anyway. Ever since I was a little girl, as little as I can remember, I have always been afraid of the dark. It's hard to admit that now, because I am a big girl, you know, and I am a mommy. It's so stupid. Why should I be afraid of the dark? It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I have made leaps and bounds of progress in the past 5 years since my mother's death. The night she died, I started to feel her love surround me in a way. Like she is always there in some way, protecting me, somehow, a little. I have a very vivid dreamworld in my head, I truly live in a fantasyland to some extent, always have. Probably built this world in my mind to function easier when reality was just too painful. I need the escape. I still need the escape. Life is just too much sometimes. I just want to crawl in my bed and pull my soft, comfortable, navy blue veloux blanket up around my neck and turn on my TV and me and my two dogs will just take a ride to TV Land. I love TV land. I have mentioned that before, I am sure. I am currently losing myself in PC Land, as of late. That is just as bad. Luckily, Baby Girl is spending the night at cousins tonight. I haven't been a great mom lately. I feel pretty much like a piece of shit, loser-face. I know these are what do they call it? self-deprecating thoughts? I should go to the Lord and pray for peace, but I am just too fucked in the head at this moment with guilt and fucked up stomach shit. My stomach is churning with anxiety. I feel like I need to just spew all of the bad feelings and all of the anger and all of the anxiety and madness that is inside of me all over the room. Sounds messy, but tempting. I just don't know how to get these feelings out yet. I am sure this feeling will subside. I gotta call those fuck faces back. They close in 35 fucking minutes and I am getting my fucking scripts today whether those MFs know it or not. over and out - manic aurora

a little manic

I don't have much time to write, as I am waiting for my shitass doctor's office to return my call so that I can go pick up my prescription in the next few mins. I just had this thought running through my mind, and didn't want it to slip away like all of my other fleeting thoughts that are but a forgotten memory. I think I may be a little manic. Anyway. Ever since I was a little girl, as little as I can remember, I have always been afraid of the dark. It's hard to admit that now, because I am a big girl, you know, and I am a mommy. It's so stupid. Why should I be afraid of the dark? It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I have made leaps and bounds of progress in the past 5 years since my mother's death. The night she died, I started to feel her love surround me in a way. Like she is always there in some way, protecting me, somehow, a little. I have a very vivid dreamworld in my head, I truly live in a fantasyland to some extent, always have. Probably built this world in my mind to function easier when reality was just too painful. I need the escape. I still need the escape. Life is just too much sometimes. I just want to crawl in my bed and pull my soft, comfortable, navy blue veloux blanket up around my neck and turn on my TV and me and my two dogs will just take a ride to TV Land. I love TV land. I have mentioned that before, I am sure. I am currently losing myself in PC Land, as of late. That is just as bad. Luckily, Baby Girl is spending the night at cousins tonight. I haven't been a great mom lately. I feel pretty much like a piece of shit, loser-face. I know these are what do they call it? self depricating thoughts? I should go to the Lord and pray for peace, but I am just too fucked in the head at this moment with guilt and fucked up stomach shit. My stomach is churning with anxiety. I feel like I need to just spew all of the bad feelings and all of the anger and all of the anxiety and madness that is inside of me all over the room. Sounds messy, but tempting. I just don't know how to get these feelings out yet. I am sure this feeling will subside. I gotta call those fuck faces back. They close in 35 fucking minutes and I am getting my fucking scrips today whether those motherfuckers know it or not. over and out manic aurora

The Boy I Can't Forget

There was a boy I met in January. I fell hopelessly in love with him. My God, I can't stop thinking of him. Yesterday, that is who I thought of for the 5 hours I was in the tub. Probably, because the 2 days we spent together at a hotel, we took so many fun baths together. We would run a bath like every couple of hours and put bubble bath that smelled like the ocean. His name is CJ. I should not have fallen so hard for him, but I didn't mean to. It just happened, and I don't completely understand it. I felt like he was my soulmate. Will I ever forget him? I don't think so. Will I ever see him again? I hope so, but a part of me doesn't really think so. He was so beautiful. He has brown hair. It was short, but he said he looks really good when it grows long. I met him in the Psych ward. We had so much fun. We ran outside like we were kids, chasing eachother. We would sneak kisses and anything else we could get away with there, but all along we wanted eachother so much. Then when I got out, and then I called and somehow got him out. He walked up University Avenue, and I barely got there fast enough, walking from my house and I screamed his name and then he finally heard me and we ran for eachother. We got in touch with my cousin and she brought my weed and my money and my pills, and we got her to take us to the local LaQuinta on FairPark. We had the gas station right there. It was so perfect. We had 2 full nights of wonderful passion. He was only 20. I am 32, so he was quite young to me, and what a beautiful body! I wish I could find him now. I lost him. He had to go back to the hospital, because I didn't have anywhere for him to stay during that time, and then he got shipped off and then we lost touch, and now I don't know where he went. It's been a long time since we've spoken. Both of us were going through lots of stuff during some of that time, so it was hard to keep in touch, but now I want to find him, but I can't. I remember, we would eat oranges, and get high. Take baths and watch Disney Channel. We would get out of the bath and run to the bed and make love wet all over the bed until we were dry. Then we would go for a walk or take a nap. We always were laughing, because he was so funny and I can be pretty funny if I am around someone funny. So we constantly were laughing and joking around. He made me so happy! We talked about getting married. I would have married him if I had my own house then, but my gp's wouldn't let him come home with me then, but now I have my own money, and plenty of money for us to live on, so if I could just find him now, we could move out or live here and be so happy together. I still love him. He told me that our song was Rascal Flatts "These Days". He loves Adam Sandler. He can dance really good. He's tall. He told me he loved it that I had a daughter. He didn't think he could ever have kids. I know it all sounds crazy. I met him at the Psych Ward and all, that is where we met and got to know eachother. We became friends. We talked a lot. We fell in like and then in lust and then in infatuation, and then over the next few weeks over the phone, in love. But I know what I know, and he was real. I know in my soul that he was good, CJ. R. I miss him. I love him. It's sad I guess that I haven't moved on, and he I am sure has, but I haven't met anyone that I want to move on for. What's the point? When I do, I suppose I will too. I don't cry over him, or get all crazy over him or anything, I just think of him. He's who I love. He is who I had some of the most fun I have ever had with. He made me happier than any person ever has, because I could really be myself with him and he liked my anyway. He made me laugh harder than I have in such a long time. I missed laughing that hard. I miss it now. We truly had a great time, and I miss it. He made me feel pretty and sexy and young. He was so sweet. I wish that I had been financially stable at the time. If I had, he may be with me now. I guess I am more lonely than I realized. I just miss him, and my heart still belongs to him. I am obsessing now. I need to stop and get my chores done. I'd like to think that he thinks of me every now and then.

Child-like Faith

I would like to think that I still have it to a certain extent. I have always been that way. A little different than most people when it came to trust. They say we bipolar-folk tend to take chances or put ourselves in positions that we shouldn't. I am just typing out what I am trying to figure out. From what I have read, and what I understood it to mean, when you have bipolar disorder, you trust more easily because you take chances easier or maybe not because you trust easier, because sometimes I trust noone. Maybe it's because I sometimes am not myself. I have to trust God. If I didn't, I would have nothing. I trust God more easily, because I have nothing else. I have been to the bottom of hell now. I couldn't say that before the past year, but I believe I can now. I have never been so miserable than I have been this year. God is the only thing that has kept me from killing myself and leaving my daughter with my cousin. She is happier with her anyway. She is with her now as a matter of fact. For the day only. She is coming home in a little bit. She will be spending the night on Thursday night. Last night my Baby Girl told my grandma that Mommy was sad. and also last night she told me she was sad. Then today, I asked her if she was happy she was getting to go play with her cousin and my cousin, and she said "yes, I am happy." That makes me happy when she is happy. It makes me sad that I make her sad. I just don't know how to not be sad. I am not always sad. The past 2 days, I really have felt better. It's just that it's a crap-shoot. Yesterday, I stayed in the tub for about 5 hours or more. Just thinking. Before that I hadn't bathed in at least 5 or 6 days. Discusting, I know. I didn't used to be a filthy person. I used to be really clean, and actually quite pretty. I worked at a gym and had a very good social life with good luck in men. I mean I am not bragging or exaggerating, but I was very pretty. Now, I have gained weight and I just don't care about my appearance. Why don't I care? It used to be such a big part of my life. I used to spend a lot of money on clothes and shoes and makeup. Now I don't even wear make-up. I only wear flip-flops and never even leave the house unless I am forced to. I hate people. I am in denial that life is going on outside around me-without me, I suppose. I don't know. Some days I don't eat anything, some days I eat a lot- junk food. My daughter spends a lot of time with my grandma and grandpa. I don't want to be this way. I take my medicine at night. I am on 60mg Cymbalta, 400mg Topamax, and 300mg Seroquel. Then I take Lopressor 50mg twice per day for high blood pressure. Then in the morning I take Wellbutrin XL 300mg, and Adderall 60mg. Then I have Xanax 3mg per day. I don't usually take my Xanax. I have Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADD, and occasional panic/anxiety disorder. They used to just think I had Major Depression. Wrong. I have a very self-destuctive personality. I am very self-defeating. I will sometimes stop taking my medicine for no reason and I don't even understand it myself, nor do I know how to stop myself from doing this when I do it. I am really trying to work on this. Hopefully, I will be able to stop this type of behavior with help from God. I have been trying to focus on being a stronger Christian. I really want to be a good mother. That is my biggest and most important goal in life. I want to teach my Baby Girl how to be a Godly and Graceful Girl with faith that is strong and that loves the Lord with all of her heart and soul. I want to teach her to lead a godly life and prepare her for a godly husband that I am praying for God to prepare for her. I am praying that God will prepare them for eachother starting now, so that they may grow in faith and in the Lord so that they will be strong in the Lord and have a strong trust in God so that nothing will ever come between them and that they will both be pure for eachother when they are married, and nothing and noone can/will ever break the bond that they will share with the Lord. That God will be the stronghold in their lives and that they may lead wonderful happy lives in love. I want my girl to have a long happy marriage with lots of beautiful children and a faithful husband. I love her so much! I want her to feel what it's like to be settled and loved and secure. Please Lord, let this come to pass! Thank You, Jesus! I am not perfect, and God knows I have a lot of guilt for my past, but I have asked for forgiveness for my past. I have been living in the past, I guess. I just don't know how to live in the present. My mom is dead, and I miss her. I don't want to face it that she can never come back. That sounds stupid, but it makes sense to me.

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes.......

Dear Friends: I hope this letter finds you well. Sorry it has been so long since my last blog, but I have been going through some very difficult struggles both mental and physical. Mostly mental, but that makes me sick. One vicious Bipolar/Borderline Circle of Life. Well, that is what it feels like for me since Christmas. I went through a full blown manic episode during the holidays and was hospitalized twice. I am feeling much better now. Not everything is perfect. I am in therapy twice per week with a Doctor of Psychology and once with a P-doc. An hour each time. It's really helping. Then there is my little daughter who is two years old. She is always learning something new. My only wish and prayer and hope is that I will not go into that place in my head, way deep in my mind where it is easier to stay and not deal with anyone. I call it "TV Land". I love TV land... I have so much to say. It's just one big box of clutter in my mind right now. I can't decide where to start. Christmas, I stayed up the entire week before Christmas--shopping at all hours...spending every penny I had. Buying stuff we really didn't need. My daughter had plenty. Then it happened. I started with the buying nonsense. 30 packages of swimmers pants for kids. All sizes. Sales. 3 Santa outfits that didn't fit anyone. 20 packages of wrapping paper. I can't remember what else. We are talking some crazy shit! I stayed up getting ready for Christmas the week before Christmas so much, that on Christmas Day, I was delirious and in no position to be around anyone on Christmas Day. I was in my own world by this time. It just got worse: Then there was the incident where I was in charge of getting the meat for a party. 20 pounds of meat for a big party. I went to the grocery store and went right there and got it and then I saw an after Christmas sale. I was in full fledge Bipolar Manic Mode. I looked and was enjoying myself for 15 hours. The only reason I left is because a member of my family came to help me. They got the meat, and took it home and I told them I was coming home then and stayed 5 more hours. Yeah, it's nuts, I know. My sister's wedding was at the end of Dec. and I was supposed to be in it, but by then I was too far gone. I trashed my home, going through things to find things I thought I needed. I was trying to clean and I messed it up trying to clean it up. I wasn't sleeping. Time ran together. Hours and minutes seemed as one. Then things cleared up in my head after a couple of weeks and I was like WTF? Who did all this shit? WTF happened to my house? I mean it's never really cleaned up completely neat, but this was rediculous. This had been one of the worst episodes I had had. I still don't remember things that people tell me I said and did. I checked myself into Rehab on Jan 17th I don't know how much it really helped, but I find that sometimes I would love to just go back for a few days. Things were simple there. I am not going to, not unless I have to. Right now, I am going to enjoy my baby girl. She is 2 years old. She is so smart. She just fed me a Cheez-It. We are watching Lilo and Stitch. That is one of our favorites. It's Easter, and we are having lunch later. I would have gone to church, but I wrecked my truck and it's in the shop until May most likely, and we didn't get ready in time to catch a ride. Happy Easter Everyone!

Did I Show Up Naked To The Masquerade Ball, or what?

Hey Friends! Happy Holidays To Everyone!!! I hope this finds you all well. Well, I will jump right in, it has been a long time. I will explain in a bit. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I don't mean like I need to be rushed to the sanitarium and lock me up - crazy, but a little odd - nagging feeling that keeps telling me somethings not right. I do not know how to process it in my head well enough to translate it into words for you. That is strange since I have been speaking the same language from the start. people out there, the only thing I can think of at the moment to explain what I remember at one of my darkest times is I was on my knees in the hot shower with my head laying on the shower floor--The fetal position basically except not on my side, the water was hitting my back really hard and it was really hot. I remember thinking for the first time in my life that my daughter would really be better off with When I was in elementary school I was the smartest kid in class. I won spelling bees. I loved to study. I went ahead in my school books. I am not bragging. I am just trying to figure this out in my own mind. Where did I go wrong? I didn't quit school. I just slacked on my grades. Didn't go to med school as I planned. Didn't even try. Didn't even want to at the time. I wish I had now. I got too interested in boys, and now I am not sure why I wouldn't have put more value in MY future and in ME. I put value in them. I never had my priorities straight. For the first time in my life I feel like I finally can think straight and I have my priorities in order. My doctor switched me to Cymbalta. I have heard terrible things about it, but I know (4) 3women and 1 man , who have been on it for a year or more and they have done very well on it. The reason I haven't written on here in a while is because I crashed (mood crash episode) in bed a two weeks or more, I don't keep days well unless I write everything down, (I also have ADD), it was worse than I have ever been. I almost went to the hospital. I seriously had never considered the thoughts I was having during that time. It was hell. Anyone who suffers with this horrible disease can understand what I am saying without me explaining, but for loved ones of BPNin and Da. That I needed to get my will made and notarized because the courts would never automatically give them custody. I am such a mess, I thought. She would forget about me for the most part soon enough, even though she would miss me, she would be happier without a mom like mine was when I got older (16+) depressed and threatening suicide every other day for the next twenty years. My mother killed herself twenty years after the first time she threatened. I am getting off track. Anyway, I actually started really seriously planning what would happen if I were to die, so I needed to get my stuff in order, be more responsible, make sure things are taken care of. Then I thought, that sure would make it easy to just one night be so miserable, and to know that Baby would go to a safe place where she would feel at home and be taken care of. Would that make it easier? I never have been one that thought of suicide. I was always so "Never, not me. I would never....blah...freakin'...blah" Now, I am just not myself. I talk to myself. I know it is me, but it's like me trying to help me. Or not help me. Or just vent. I am sounding worse and worse, but I don't care, because this is me, and I promised myself I would be honest, because honesty may not always be beautiful in the normal sense, but it is in it's own unique way. Everyone is beautiful to someone. Everyone is beautiful to God. I have done a lot of stuff to be ashamed of in my life. I may talk about that someday, but not yet. That's a whole other life. I have got a lot of those. It is really hard to open up and let your light shine. Even when you still have a mask on. Like right now. My mind is playing tricks on my again. I am sitting here wondering what in the heck is even happening at all. Why am I writing this? These letters look like one big jumble to me. They are all blobbing together. My mood has been a lot better since I have been on the Cymbalta. For the first week or week and a half it did nothing. I thought there was no hope. All I could do was stare at the TV or at my pictures or self destruct. During this time, I stopped going to my group. I still haven't had the courage to return. That is how fragile I still feel. I went to church Sunday night for choir at a family church that I grew up in, but that is family, so it's different than my new church that I haven't been to in weeks now. I am praying for the strength to return. I am praying for the strength and grace and forgiveness to start reading my Bible again several times a day and praying for my girl every time I think about it. The Power of a Praying Parent. It has some awesome prayers for our kids in it. I also haven't been listening to Christian music lately or listening to Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyer or Jesse Duplantis. They are all good. Joyce Meyer is an awesome teacher. Joel Osteen is so full of humbleness and joy. Jesse Duplantis is funny and lifts my spirits in Jesus' Name. I never liked televangelists until my mom became ill with Bipolar and would not leave the house, but loved to watch them on TV. I would watch them with her. She watched a lot more. Those are the ones I watch now when I feel up to it. The thing is, when I am at my worst, I rebel. I won't do good things, usually. I will subconsciously sabotage myself sometimes. I don't know for sure, but I think I do. I always try to take my two main medicine correctly, the Cymbalta 60mg. and the Topamax (300mg). Sometimes I will take no Xanax. I have a high tolerance for medicine. My history would explain why. My mother overdosed on lots and lots and lots and etc........ of pills everything you can imagine she had... She believed if I had a cough, give me some hydrocodone cough syrup. That will help. If I was nervous about the first day of school. Give me a xanax. She had me young and please do not write me to bash my mom. She really was an awesome mom in her own special way. She used to wake up at like 5am everyday and ask me what I wanted for breakfast before school. Then I would tell her. If we had enough money, ( she was single for a little while) she would go get me a mcmuffin. It's the holidays when I miss her. Maybe that's why I am thinking about her so much. Christmas was our favorite time of year. All holidays were special. She made such a huge deal out of Halloween and Easter and Valentine's Day and the 4th of July and Thanksgiving and Birthdays were right up there with Christmas for my mom. Her birthday is the 22nd of December. So she thought birthdays should be extra special. She always made the most elaborate party's. Not fancy like high class, but I am talking, balloons with tons of colors and beautiful curls of ribbons and streamers and character wrapping paper and always like 40 presents. At least 3 or4 nice more expensive gifts and then a bunch of small stuff. Stuff you can use like shampoo and toothpaste. Just fun things. It was always such a blast! It wasn't the stuff or money that she spent that was nice, it was the thought that she put into it and the time she spent. When I got old enough to help her fix stuff for my sister, we had some of my best memories of her. Christmas Eve we started the tradition of always for the last 9 or 10 years of Momma's life just Momma and I would stay up all night and wrap presents and talk and open our presents to each other and eat and just spend time together. I have kept that going by myself, since she died. I haven't slept on Christmas Eve, however, this year I have a goal to break that tradition and leave that in our past just for us. My hope is to have everything wrapped and ready as I finish getting it. I am not even done shopping. :() That is me screaming in fake horror flick terror, eyes wide open, hands on face. Jaw dropped to floor. I want to be in bed at a reasonable hour and be able to enjoy Christmas day. Oh, man. By the looks of things it's not looking good on the chances of me enjoying tomorrow terribly much unless I haul my behind to bed pretty fast, but I feel like my mind is spinning. I can't stop. I can't slow down. The thing is, I just need to get this out, then maybe I can breathe again. I felt like I was starting to get tight in my chest. That's how it starts. I don't want an unhealthy release. No meaningless fling. No ex-sex. I am celibate. Well I am and I have been for a little while anyway. I don't know exactly how long, but that is a big accomplishment for me. Especially to boost my wounded self-esteem. That is what I have done my entire life. I have just recently realized, they were helping me feel better, they were making me feel worse about myself, but the alcohol and different circumstances I was in was giving me the illusion that I was feeling better about myself at that time. I was really feeling a lot worse. Maybe if I get up and do some folding of the laundry or some or boring housework, I will get tired. I dislike housework very much. I really pray that one day God will teach me to enjoy my housework. I like cleaning the kitchen and the bathrooms. They are easy for me. They make since. I know where everything should go. There are no questions. But when something is out of place and it doesn't already have a "home" in the bedroom or living room or hall or den or computer office, it doesn't come easy to me on where to stick it. I don't have that logical sense on where to place it where it would best fit. I wonder if that is involved with ADD or Bipolar or both or neither. I was at a Halloween party and one of the moms there and I were talking. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. She and I talked for around an hour or longer. She said she thought I had borderline traits or maybe even borderline personality disorder. I got a book a read about it and it did have a lot of the same stuff that I recognized. It's something to think about, and something scared me last night. I definitely remember telling myself "you are back" whatever that means. Am I messing with myself? Please do not respond with any over reactive posts. I do not wish to harm myself now. I am now taking my meds properly. I am under the care of my doctor and am living with my family. For now, my medicine seems to be stabilized. I do have my moments of weird doubts about reality. I just don't know what is real and what is not. I wonder sometimes if I am dreaming. That is one of the reasons for posting. Then it will make it "real". I am going to say goodnight. I wish you all happy holidays! I will try to keep in touch more often. Stay safe. Take care. Peace. Love. Faith.

Not Much To Say

I don't feel much like typing. I'm not depressed. Tired is more likely the word for it. My head hurts. I just wish I could sleep more. That wonderful deep sleep that makes you feel refreshed in the morning. Right now I am tired and I am gonna go to bed and hope to actually sleep. Goodnight.

"The Country's F'ed...We'reTotally F'ed..."-Conan

"Big election. Five days left. No matter who wins...The country's f'ed. The country's f'ed. We're totally f'ed...." -taken from Conan O'Brien's Lullaby Song on 11/2/06 First of all, I want to say, I do not agree with the way things are being done in our government at this time, but I am very proud of our troops and all of the people who choose to fight for our country because they believe in the United States of America, and the freedom that goes with this great nation. I am proud to be an American. I am so sick of the campaign wars. I am tired of hearing all parties go at each other like school children saying "I know you are, but what am I?" If you ask me, it's simpleminded and absurd. I think that a big part of being a good leader is having good character. I don't think good character includes bashing your opponent in commercials. Someone was telling me those actually work. I don't see how. I just get angry when I see them. The funny thing is I lose respect for my party the same way. I think, man, why did they have to sink to that level? I think I may be getting on one of my rants, so I am gonna wrap the politcal crap up....on to my next topic. Meds I am on Wellbutrin XL 300mg, Topamax 300mg, and now Lithium 600mg too. After taking the Lithium, I feel so achy and even more tired. I just feel like I am taking too much medicine, but I know I have to be med-compliant if I want to control my symptoms as much as possible. It's not like I don't have my good moments during the day. I have fun times with my little daughter. We played a bit today, and had a good time at dinner. Dinner is our main family meal. My grandmother and grandfather and my daughter and myself {sometimes others if they are around- I have a large family- somewhat dysfunctional (some more than others), but I am thankful for them} all gather around the table and eat a home cooked meal every week night and then on weekends we usually order in. We eat late. Always have. We watch a TV program if it's one of our favorites like Grey's Anatomy or Boston Legal or ER. My grandmother is totally addicted to Lost. It's funny that she can't miss it or she will freak out, but she won't admit that she will freak out-she is in total denial about her Lost addiction. Anyway, so I am all over the place with this post. I took my meds, and I cannot stay focused. I am agitated and feel like just doing something utterly rediculous that makes no sense like breaking expensive china or something. It's a feeling I guess I can't quite explain and is probably fleeting anyway, as most are these days. I was thinking about that earlier...my moods- if I can just make it through this next hour or day, this will pass. I am not sleeping much. This would strike me as a symptom of mania, but I feel more depressed than manic. Since I started taking the lithium, I think I have tremors. I feel shaky and just kindof strange. My head hurts. My tummy hurts. My eyes hurts. My back hurts. There's not many places that do not hurt right now on my body. My face is usually clear, and it's starting to break out. I feel pretty, oh so pretty......blah, blah, blah. This is not very uplifting. I should try to think of something good to talk about. Hmm... I thank God that I did feel good enough to make dinner tonight and clean up and wash clothes and take out the trash and Grey's Anatomy was on tonight. Also, I sat and rocked with my baby girl for an hour and she actually sat still, and we had our dogs upstairs with us. Seinfeld was on and she did get down and run around a few times, but she is getting so big (almost 2) that she rarely wants to just sit and rock with Mommy anymore for any extended length of time. It's something I really miss. I love her so much and she just gets more special to me everyday. I cherish her baby years, but it is so awesome seeing the little girl she is growing up to be. She amazes me with all the new things she learns everyday. The things she picks up just by observation is mind boggling and a little scary. I have to really watch what I do and say. I sometimes forget she can understand everything even though she can't put it into the words yet. It is quite a humbling responsiblity to have. I don't always feel qualified. I want to do everything I can to help her to feel loved and cherished. She is so special. The love of my life. My baby girl. I am truly blessed.

Tough Day

Today has been rough, and I feel like sharing. So here it goes: There is a person in my life that is important to me. All of my life I have always wanted to make them proud, and well, that is hard to do. In fact, it appears that it is nearly impossible for me. I need to accept that and get over it. That is what makes days like today so hard. I haven't accepted it yet. I just get my feelings hurt. I throw myself a huge pity party and either get sad or mad or both. I have always been compassionate. "Tender-hearted", was what they called me in grade-school. I went to a small Christian school, and we were given awards for our "gifts", and I was Most Tenderhearted. I now realize that that also means I get my feelings hurt very easily and I have a hard time reaching out to people about my problems. Even blogging is hard, but I feel it is very therapeutic and I am starting to feel more comfortable sharing my thoughts on here as I read other blogs- where people really open up and really lay their heart out here for us to see. It gives me a sense of not being so alone with this illness, I guess is what I am trying to say. I mean, I usually feel all alone even when I am standing in a crowd of people. Even if I know the people I am with, I may still feel all alone. That is just me. It's how I have always been, except when I was drunk or high during my "party time". I have noticed that since I started taking my Topamax, I haven't had much of an anger problem. Well, let me say, I can quickly get control of my feelings, and the anger passes or I just walk away and say a prayer or read my Bible or do something else. Because even though I am compassionate, I also had some serious rage issues during my teenage-college years. The anger would be so much, it was like it wasn't even me. I would almost black out or be looking at myself from across the room. I never hurt anyone, but I would just yell and scream. Oh, I did give my ex-boyfriend a black eye once, but that is all another story..... Well, dinner is ready, and my little girl needs me. I just needed to vent. I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. Have a goodnight.

Me? A Junkie? Do-huh?

I am slowly becoming an addict. A computer Junkie. It happened slowly, so I
didn't see it coming. Now, I am on my trusty little laptop when I wake up,
when I get bored, when I watch TV, when my daughter is napping, and in the
evening after she goes to bed. The problem is, I end up staying up
freakishly late. I have had insomnia my entire life. Like seriously, even
when I was four, I remember not sleeping well. So this has always been a big
issue for me, not to mention a thorn in my side. The sleep issue was
improving a little for the past month. I had started going to bed at a
reasonable time. Even if I could not go to sleep, I would still go to bed.
That is when I was not on the computer and that is when the blogging did not
happen. It just happened to be the day after I started my blog. That is
really hard for me to do, because my mind does the game of "what if this
happens?" and the worst-case scenerios play out in my head and I can see
terrible scenes happening to me or people I love and it's awful, so I try to
keep the TV on or something to cope with that. It is very unhealthy, and
probably not at all normal, but that is how I have coped since I was a kid,
and I know nothing else. It is something I don't tell people. One of my best
friends (I have two, but they don't know the depth of the deepest, darkest
Beauty) anyway I will call my friend, Miss Good Buddy, for now, when I spend
the night at her house, as I have been doing for the past 16 years, she
knows that I need a TV. I don't have to have cable. I just have to watch
something. Chinese folk music, the Spanish news, River Dancing, I don't care
~ just get my mind free of the crap that "haunts me in the night" and I am
okay. Well, you get the point.
So, my mood has been increasingly funky. I need to get myself together and
get a shower. Tonight, I am taking my little daughter (almost 2 in Dec.) to
church tricker treating, while I go to church Bible Study Class. It is cool,
because they have it in the same building. My faith is important to me,
because I know God does perform miracles in my life. This is not a sermon. I
am just so thankful for my daughter. I was married in 2001, left my husband
in 2003, and I got pregnant in 2004. My ex is not the father. My
ex-boyfriend before my husband is the father. Too bad he turned out to be a
really poor example for a human being. No child support yet, and he made 42
thousand the year she was born. That is an entire other rant/blog. I had a
lot of health problems when I was pregnant, and she was nearly 6 weeks
early, but she was only in the NICU for 3 1/2 weeks. I was in there too, for
heart problems from the toxemia and stuff. We survived, and she is so
awesome. I need to go get her right now. No time for spell check. Have a
great day!

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It's Been A Long Time, Old Friend

Sorry it's been so long. I'm still here. Posts will be back on soon. Life has been rather hectic and my medicine had to be switched around a couple of times. I am starting to get used to the change, I think. I hope to post again tonight. Later.

My First Blog

This is for me to share the good, bad, and ugly--so to speak. I will not let myself pay too much attention to detail on grammar and punctuation, because I am a somewhat of a perfectionist at heart. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, too. After I had my baby girl in December 2004, I developed severe post-pardam depression with psychosis. These things do not define me ~ not who I am, but they do play a part in my life. They make life very hard sometimes, but they also make me see the good more clearly and want to hold on tight when I am "well". I've been lower than low at times over the past 3 years- I have never known such terror existed, and I have learned to appreciate a good day and thank God for letting me survive. At times, I am highly intellectual and I get very profound thoughts(well, in my mind I am downright ingenious- sometimes)...it's actually getting these thoughts to stay in my brain long enough to get to a pen and paper or my trusty laptop before they flutter away that I have a problem with. There are so many wonderful ideas I have, but my brain just cannot seem to keep up. That is frustrating. I am new to blogging. I am going to try to start fancy-smancyin' it up along the way. Putting in pictures and new fonts and cool things like that. I will remain anonymous, but I will be giving the cast of my world nicknames. Some will have small parts, others will have permanent roles. There will be villains and knowing me, I will probably add a couple of fictitious characters now and then just for fun, but I will let you sweet bloggin' friends in on it. Don't want to leave you in the dark or nothin'. Also, I live in the big city now, but I come from the country, so when I am tired, I at times revert back to my country bumpkin' ways of speaking. I will get that country drawl, I don't know how it works, but I even do it in my typing. So if I say something like, Hay, yall. I am stupefied tired or drunk. A quick little tidbit on my life: my daughter is almost two. We have two dogs. They are babies too. We dance around the kitchen when we cook dinner. We love to sing. I desperately want to get myself able to handle life relatively symptom-free by the time my girl is old enough to understand and have to go to school. I don't want her to have to be worried what Mommy is gonna do or say. I don't want her to be embarrassed to have her friends over or introduce me to her friend's parents. That scares me. My mom committed suicide a few years back. I don't know if you ever really get over something like that. It gets easier, but I still break down and cry like a baby in the shower for her when I have a bad day. I still cry myself to sleep holding her picture tight sometimes too. I didn't do that for a long time until after I had my little girl, then it was like I went through her death all over again. She died a little over 2 1/2 years before my daughter was born and I thought I was over it, then I wasn't. If people read this and it helps them, then I am glad. I am going to be 100% honest about me. I get silly, sad, depressed, manic, happy, dramatic, angry, raging, loving, apathetic, etc...sometimes in the same day. I am me, and it's not bad. I have got a ton to be thankful for. God has blessed me in so many ways. I took chances with my life that I didn't even know I was doing in my manic craziness. I think this is enough for now. Take care.