Did I Show Up Naked To The Masquerade Ball, or what?

Hey Friends! Happy Holidays To Everyone!!! I hope this finds you all well. Well, I will jump right in, it has been a long time. I will explain in a bit. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I don't mean like I need to be rushed to the sanitarium and lock me up - crazy, but a little odd - nagging feeling that keeps telling me somethings not right. I do not know how to process it in my head well enough to translate it into words for you. That is strange since I have been speaking the same language from the start. people out there, the only thing I can think of at the moment to explain what I remember at one of my darkest times is I was on my knees in the hot shower with my head laying on the shower floor--The fetal position basically except not on my side, the water was hitting my back really hard and it was really hot. I remember thinking for the first time in my life that my daughter would really be better off with When I was in elementary school I was the smartest kid in class. I won spelling bees. I loved to study. I went ahead in my school books. I am not bragging. I am just trying to figure this out in my own mind. Where did I go wrong? I didn't quit school. I just slacked on my grades. Didn't go to med school as I planned. Didn't even try. Didn't even want to at the time. I wish I had now. I got too interested in boys, and now I am not sure why I wouldn't have put more value in MY future and in ME. I put value in them. I never had my priorities straight. For the first time in my life I feel like I finally can think straight and I have my priorities in order. My doctor switched me to Cymbalta. I have heard terrible things about it, but I know (4) 3women and 1 man , who have been on it for a year or more and they have done very well on it. The reason I haven't written on here in a while is because I crashed (mood crash episode) in bed a two weeks or more, I don't keep days well unless I write everything down, (I also have ADD), it was worse than I have ever been. I almost went to the hospital. I seriously had never considered the thoughts I was having during that time. It was hell. Anyone who suffers with this horrible disease can understand what I am saying without me explaining, but for loved ones of BPNin and Da. That I needed to get my will made and notarized because the courts would never automatically give them custody. I am such a mess, I thought. She would forget about me for the most part soon enough, even though she would miss me, she would be happier without a mom like mine was when I got older (16+) depressed and threatening suicide every other day for the next twenty years. My mother killed herself twenty years after the first time she threatened. I am getting off track. Anyway, I actually started really seriously planning what would happen if I were to die, so I needed to get my stuff in order, be more responsible, make sure things are taken care of. Then I thought, that sure would make it easy to just one night be so miserable, and to know that Baby would go to a safe place where she would feel at home and be taken care of. Would that make it easier? I never have been one that thought of suicide. I was always so "Never, not me. I would never....blah...freakin'...blah" Now, I am just not myself. I talk to myself. I know it is me, but it's like me trying to help me. Or not help me. Or just vent. I am sounding worse and worse, but I don't care, because this is me, and I promised myself I would be honest, because honesty may not always be beautiful in the normal sense, but it is in it's own unique way. Everyone is beautiful to someone. Everyone is beautiful to God. I have done a lot of stuff to be ashamed of in my life. I may talk about that someday, but not yet. That's a whole other life. I have got a lot of those. It is really hard to open up and let your light shine. Even when you still have a mask on. Like right now. My mind is playing tricks on my again. I am sitting here wondering what in the heck is even happening at all. Why am I writing this? These letters look like one big jumble to me. They are all blobbing together. My mood has been a lot better since I have been on the Cymbalta. For the first week or week and a half it did nothing. I thought there was no hope. All I could do was stare at the TV or at my pictures or self destruct. During this time, I stopped going to my group. I still haven't had the courage to return. That is how fragile I still feel. I went to church Sunday night for choir at a family church that I grew up in, but that is family, so it's different than my new church that I haven't been to in weeks now. I am praying for the strength to return. I am praying for the strength and grace and forgiveness to start reading my Bible again several times a day and praying for my girl every time I think about it. The Power of a Praying Parent. It has some awesome prayers for our kids in it. I also haven't been listening to Christian music lately or listening to Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyer or Jesse Duplantis. They are all good. Joyce Meyer is an awesome teacher. Joel Osteen is so full of humbleness and joy. Jesse Duplantis is funny and lifts my spirits in Jesus' Name. I never liked televangelists until my mom became ill with Bipolar and would not leave the house, but loved to watch them on TV. I would watch them with her. She watched a lot more. Those are the ones I watch now when I feel up to it. The thing is, when I am at my worst, I rebel. I won't do good things, usually. I will subconsciously sabotage myself sometimes. I don't know for sure, but I think I do. I always try to take my two main medicine correctly, the Cymbalta 60mg. and the Topamax (300mg). Sometimes I will take no Xanax. I have a high tolerance for medicine. My history would explain why. My mother overdosed on lots and lots and lots and etc........ of pills everything you can imagine she had... She believed if I had a cough, give me some hydrocodone cough syrup. That will help. If I was nervous about the first day of school. Give me a xanax. She had me young and please do not write me to bash my mom. She really was an awesome mom in her own special way. She used to wake up at like 5am everyday and ask me what I wanted for breakfast before school. Then I would tell her. If we had enough money, ( she was single for a little while) she would go get me a mcmuffin. It's the holidays when I miss her. Maybe that's why I am thinking about her so much. Christmas was our favorite time of year. All holidays were special. She made such a huge deal out of Halloween and Easter and Valentine's Day and the 4th of July and Thanksgiving and Birthdays were right up there with Christmas for my mom. Her birthday is the 22nd of December. So she thought birthdays should be extra special. She always made the most elaborate party's. Not fancy like high class, but I am talking, balloons with tons of colors and beautiful curls of ribbons and streamers and character wrapping paper and always like 40 presents. At least 3 or4 nice more expensive gifts and then a bunch of small stuff. Stuff you can use like shampoo and toothpaste. Just fun things. It was always such a blast! It wasn't the stuff or money that she spent that was nice, it was the thought that she put into it and the time she spent. When I got old enough to help her fix stuff for my sister, we had some of my best memories of her. Christmas Eve we started the tradition of always for the last 9 or 10 years of Momma's life just Momma and I would stay up all night and wrap presents and talk and open our presents to each other and eat and just spend time together. I have kept that going by myself, since she died. I haven't slept on Christmas Eve, however, this year I have a goal to break that tradition and leave that in our past just for us. My hope is to have everything wrapped and ready as I finish getting it. I am not even done shopping. :() That is me screaming in fake horror flick terror, eyes wide open, hands on face. Jaw dropped to floor. I want to be in bed at a reasonable hour and be able to enjoy Christmas day. Oh, man. By the looks of things it's not looking good on the chances of me enjoying tomorrow terribly much unless I haul my behind to bed pretty fast, but I feel like my mind is spinning. I can't stop. I can't slow down. The thing is, I just need to get this out, then maybe I can breathe again. I felt like I was starting to get tight in my chest. That's how it starts. I don't want an unhealthy release. No meaningless fling. No ex-sex. I am celibate. Well I am and I have been for a little while anyway. I don't know exactly how long, but that is a big accomplishment for me. Especially to boost my wounded self-esteem. That is what I have done my entire life. I have just recently realized, they were helping me feel better, they were making me feel worse about myself, but the alcohol and different circumstances I was in was giving me the illusion that I was feeling better about myself at that time. I was really feeling a lot worse. Maybe if I get up and do some folding of the laundry or some or boring housework, I will get tired. I dislike housework very much. I really pray that one day God will teach me to enjoy my housework. I like cleaning the kitchen and the bathrooms. They are easy for me. They make since. I know where everything should go. There are no questions. But when something is out of place and it doesn't already have a "home" in the bedroom or living room or hall or den or computer office, it doesn't come easy to me on where to stick it. I don't have that logical sense on where to place it where it would best fit. I wonder if that is involved with ADD or Bipolar or both or neither. I was at a Halloween party and one of the moms there and I were talking. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. She and I talked for around an hour or longer. She said she thought I had borderline traits or maybe even borderline personality disorder. I got a book a read about it and it did have a lot of the same stuff that I recognized. It's something to think about, and something scared me last night. I definitely remember telling myself "you are back" whatever that means. Am I messing with myself? Please do not respond with any over reactive posts. I do not wish to harm myself now. I am now taking my meds properly. I am under the care of my doctor and am living with my family. For now, my medicine seems to be stabilized. I do have my moments of weird doubts about reality. I just don't know what is real and what is not. I wonder sometimes if I am dreaming. That is one of the reasons for posting. Then it will make it "real". I am going to say goodnight. I wish you all happy holidays! I will try to keep in touch more often. Stay safe. Take care. Peace. Love. Faith.

Not Much To Say

I don't feel much like typing. I'm not depressed. Tired is more likely the word for it. My head hurts. I just wish I could sleep more. That wonderful deep sleep that makes you feel refreshed in the morning. Right now I am tired and I am gonna go to bed and hope to actually sleep. Goodnight.

"The Country's F'ed...We'reTotally F'ed..."-Conan

"Big election. Five days left. No matter who wins...The country's f'ed. The country's f'ed. We're totally f'ed...." -taken from Conan O'Brien's Lullaby Song on 11/2/06 First of all, I want to say, I do not agree with the way things are being done in our government at this time, but I am very proud of our troops and all of the people who choose to fight for our country because they believe in the United States of America, and the freedom that goes with this great nation. I am proud to be an American. I am so sick of the campaign wars. I am tired of hearing all parties go at each other like school children saying "I know you are, but what am I?" If you ask me, it's simpleminded and absurd. I think that a big part of being a good leader is having good character. I don't think good character includes bashing your opponent in commercials. Someone was telling me those actually work. I don't see how. I just get angry when I see them. The funny thing is I lose respect for my party the same way. I think, man, why did they have to sink to that level? I think I may be getting on one of my rants, so I am gonna wrap the politcal crap up....on to my next topic. Meds I am on Wellbutrin XL 300mg, Topamax 300mg, and now Lithium 600mg too. After taking the Lithium, I feel so achy and even more tired. I just feel like I am taking too much medicine, but I know I have to be med-compliant if I want to control my symptoms as much as possible. It's not like I don't have my good moments during the day. I have fun times with my little daughter. We played a bit today, and had a good time at dinner. Dinner is our main family meal. My grandmother and grandfather and my daughter and myself {sometimes others if they are around- I have a large family- somewhat dysfunctional (some more than others), but I am thankful for them} all gather around the table and eat a home cooked meal every week night and then on weekends we usually order in. We eat late. Always have. We watch a TV program if it's one of our favorites like Grey's Anatomy or Boston Legal or ER. My grandmother is totally addicted to Lost. It's funny that she can't miss it or she will freak out, but she won't admit that she will freak out-she is in total denial about her Lost addiction. Anyway, so I am all over the place with this post. I took my meds, and I cannot stay focused. I am agitated and feel like just doing something utterly rediculous that makes no sense like breaking expensive china or something. It's a feeling I guess I can't quite explain and is probably fleeting anyway, as most are these days. I was thinking about that earlier...my moods- if I can just make it through this next hour or day, this will pass. I am not sleeping much. This would strike me as a symptom of mania, but I feel more depressed than manic. Since I started taking the lithium, I think I have tremors. I feel shaky and just kindof strange. My head hurts. My tummy hurts. My eyes hurts. My back hurts. There's not many places that do not hurt right now on my body. My face is usually clear, and it's starting to break out. I feel pretty, oh so pretty......blah, blah, blah. This is not very uplifting. I should try to think of something good to talk about. Hmm... I thank God that I did feel good enough to make dinner tonight and clean up and wash clothes and take out the trash and Grey's Anatomy was on tonight. Also, I sat and rocked with my baby girl for an hour and she actually sat still, and we had our dogs upstairs with us. Seinfeld was on and she did get down and run around a few times, but she is getting so big (almost 2) that she rarely wants to just sit and rock with Mommy anymore for any extended length of time. It's something I really miss. I love her so much and she just gets more special to me everyday. I cherish her baby years, but it is so awesome seeing the little girl she is growing up to be. She amazes me with all the new things she learns everyday. The things she picks up just by observation is mind boggling and a little scary. I have to really watch what I do and say. I sometimes forget she can understand everything even though she can't put it into the words yet. It is quite a humbling responsiblity to have. I don't always feel qualified. I want to do everything I can to help her to feel loved and cherished. She is so special. The love of my life. My baby girl. I am truly blessed.

Tough Day

Today has been rough, and I feel like sharing. So here it goes: There is a person in my life that is important to me. All of my life I have always wanted to make them proud, and well, that is hard to do. In fact, it appears that it is nearly impossible for me. I need to accept that and get over it. That is what makes days like today so hard. I haven't accepted it yet. I just get my feelings hurt. I throw myself a huge pity party and either get sad or mad or both. I have always been compassionate. "Tender-hearted", was what they called me in grade-school. I went to a small Christian school, and we were given awards for our "gifts", and I was Most Tenderhearted. I now realize that that also means I get my feelings hurt very easily and I have a hard time reaching out to people about my problems. Even blogging is hard, but I feel it is very therapeutic and I am starting to feel more comfortable sharing my thoughts on here as I read other blogs- where people really open up and really lay their heart out here for us to see. It gives me a sense of not being so alone with this illness, I guess is what I am trying to say. I mean, I usually feel all alone even when I am standing in a crowd of people. Even if I know the people I am with, I may still feel all alone. That is just me. It's how I have always been, except when I was drunk or high during my "party time". I have noticed that since I started taking my Topamax, I haven't had much of an anger problem. Well, let me say, I can quickly get control of my feelings, and the anger passes or I just walk away and say a prayer or read my Bible or do something else. Because even though I am compassionate, I also had some serious rage issues during my teenage-college years. The anger would be so much, it was like it wasn't even me. I would almost black out or be looking at myself from across the room. I never hurt anyone, but I would just yell and scream. Oh, I did give my ex-boyfriend a black eye once, but that is all another story..... Well, dinner is ready, and my little girl needs me. I just needed to vent. I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. Have a goodnight.

Me? A Junkie? Do-huh?

I am slowly becoming an addict. A computer Junkie. It happened slowly, so I
didn't see it coming. Now, I am on my trusty little laptop when I wake up,
when I get bored, when I watch TV, when my daughter is napping, and in the
evening after she goes to bed. The problem is, I end up staying up
freakishly late. I have had insomnia my entire life. Like seriously, even
when I was four, I remember not sleeping well. So this has always been a big
issue for me, not to mention a thorn in my side. The sleep issue was
improving a little for the past month. I had started going to bed at a
reasonable time. Even if I could not go to sleep, I would still go to bed.
That is when I was not on the computer and that is when the blogging did not
happen. It just happened to be the day after I started my blog. That is
really hard for me to do, because my mind does the game of "what if this
happens?" and the worst-case scenerios play out in my head and I can see
terrible scenes happening to me or people I love and it's awful, so I try to
keep the TV on or something to cope with that. It is very unhealthy, and
probably not at all normal, but that is how I have coped since I was a kid,
and I know nothing else. It is something I don't tell people. One of my best
friends (I have two, but they don't know the depth of the deepest, darkest
Beauty) anyway I will call my friend, Miss Good Buddy, for now, when I spend
the night at her house, as I have been doing for the past 16 years, she
knows that I need a TV. I don't have to have cable. I just have to watch
something. Chinese folk music, the Spanish news, River Dancing, I don't care
~ just get my mind free of the crap that "haunts me in the night" and I am
okay. Well, you get the point.
So, my mood has been increasingly funky. I need to get myself together and
get a shower. Tonight, I am taking my little daughter (almost 2 in Dec.) to
church tricker treating, while I go to church Bible Study Class. It is cool,
because they have it in the same building. My faith is important to me,
because I know God does perform miracles in my life. This is not a sermon. I
am just so thankful for my daughter. I was married in 2001, left my husband
in 2003, and I got pregnant in 2004. My ex is not the father. My
ex-boyfriend before my husband is the father. Too bad he turned out to be a
really poor example for a human being. No child support yet, and he made 42
thousand the year she was born. That is an entire other rant/blog. I had a
lot of health problems when I was pregnant, and she was nearly 6 weeks
early, but she was only in the NICU for 3 1/2 weeks. I was in there too, for
heart problems from the toxemia and stuff. We survived, and she is so
awesome. I need to go get her right now. No time for spell check. Have a
great day!

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It's Been A Long Time, Old Friend

Sorry it's been so long. I'm still here. Posts will be back on soon. Life has been rather hectic and my medicine had to be switched around a couple of times. I am starting to get used to the change, I think. I hope to post again tonight. Later.

My First Blog

This is for me to share the good, bad, and ugly--so to speak. I will not let myself pay too much attention to detail on grammar and punctuation, because I am a somewhat of a perfectionist at heart. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, too. After I had my baby girl in December 2004, I developed severe post-pardam depression with psychosis. These things do not define me ~ not who I am, but they do play a part in my life. They make life very hard sometimes, but they also make me see the good more clearly and want to hold on tight when I am "well". I've been lower than low at times over the past 3 years- I have never known such terror existed, and I have learned to appreciate a good day and thank God for letting me survive. At times, I am highly intellectual and I get very profound thoughts(well, in my mind I am downright ingenious- sometimes)...it's actually getting these thoughts to stay in my brain long enough to get to a pen and paper or my trusty laptop before they flutter away that I have a problem with. There are so many wonderful ideas I have, but my brain just cannot seem to keep up. That is frustrating. I am new to blogging. I am going to try to start fancy-smancyin' it up along the way. Putting in pictures and new fonts and cool things like that. I will remain anonymous, but I will be giving the cast of my world nicknames. Some will have small parts, others will have permanent roles. There will be villains and knowing me, I will probably add a couple of fictitious characters now and then just for fun, but I will let you sweet bloggin' friends in on it. Don't want to leave you in the dark or nothin'. Also, I live in the big city now, but I come from the country, so when I am tired, I at times revert back to my country bumpkin' ways of speaking. I will get that country drawl, I don't know how it works, but I even do it in my typing. So if I say something like, Hay, yall. I am stupefied tired or drunk. A quick little tidbit on my life: my daughter is almost two. We have two dogs. They are babies too. We dance around the kitchen when we cook dinner. We love to sing. I desperately want to get myself able to handle life relatively symptom-free by the time my girl is old enough to understand and have to go to school. I don't want her to have to be worried what Mommy is gonna do or say. I don't want her to be embarrassed to have her friends over or introduce me to her friend's parents. That scares me. My mom committed suicide a few years back. I don't know if you ever really get over something like that. It gets easier, but I still break down and cry like a baby in the shower for her when I have a bad day. I still cry myself to sleep holding her picture tight sometimes too. I didn't do that for a long time until after I had my little girl, then it was like I went through her death all over again. She died a little over 2 1/2 years before my daughter was born and I thought I was over it, then I wasn't. If people read this and it helps them, then I am glad. I am going to be 100% honest about me. I get silly, sad, depressed, manic, happy, dramatic, angry, raging, loving, apathetic, etc...sometimes in the same day. I am me, and it's not bad. I have got a ton to be thankful for. God has blessed me in so many ways. I took chances with my life that I didn't even know I was doing in my manic craziness. I think this is enough for now. Take care.