Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes.......

Dear Friends: I hope this letter finds you well. Sorry it has been so long since my last blog, but I have been going through some very difficult struggles both mental and physical. Mostly mental, but that makes me sick. One vicious Bipolar/Borderline Circle of Life. Well, that is what it feels like for me since Christmas. I went through a full blown manic episode during the holidays and was hospitalized twice. I am feeling much better now. Not everything is perfect. I am in therapy twice per week with a Doctor of Psychology and once with a P-doc. An hour each time. It's really helping. Then there is my little daughter who is two years old. She is always learning something new. My only wish and prayer and hope is that I will not go into that place in my head, way deep in my mind where it is easier to stay and not deal with anyone. I call it "TV Land". I love TV land... I have so much to say. It's just one big box of clutter in my mind right now. I can't decide where to start. Christmas, I stayed up the entire week before Christmas--shopping at all hours...spending every penny I had. Buying stuff we really didn't need. My daughter had plenty. Then it happened. I started with the buying nonsense. 30 packages of swimmers pants for kids. All sizes. Sales. 3 Santa outfits that didn't fit anyone. 20 packages of wrapping paper. I can't remember what else. We are talking some crazy shit! I stayed up getting ready for Christmas the week before Christmas so much, that on Christmas Day, I was delirious and in no position to be around anyone on Christmas Day. I was in my own world by this time. It just got worse: Then there was the incident where I was in charge of getting the meat for a party. 20 pounds of meat for a big party. I went to the grocery store and went right there and got it and then I saw an after Christmas sale. I was in full fledge Bipolar Manic Mode. I looked and was enjoying myself for 15 hours. The only reason I left is because a member of my family came to help me. They got the meat, and took it home and I told them I was coming home then and stayed 5 more hours. Yeah, it's nuts, I know. My sister's wedding was at the end of Dec. and I was supposed to be in it, but by then I was too far gone. I trashed my home, going through things to find things I thought I needed. I was trying to clean and I messed it up trying to clean it up. I wasn't sleeping. Time ran together. Hours and minutes seemed as one. Then things cleared up in my head after a couple of weeks and I was like WTF? Who did all this shit? WTF happened to my house? I mean it's never really cleaned up completely neat, but this was rediculous. This had been one of the worst episodes I had had. I still don't remember things that people tell me I said and did. I checked myself into Rehab on Jan 17th I don't know how much it really helped, but I find that sometimes I would love to just go back for a few days. Things were simple there. I am not going to, not unless I have to. Right now, I am going to enjoy my baby girl. She is 2 years old. She is so smart. She just fed me a Cheez-It. We are watching Lilo and Stitch. That is one of our favorites. It's Easter, and we are having lunch later. I would have gone to church, but I wrecked my truck and it's in the shop until May most likely, and we didn't get ready in time to catch a ride. Happy Easter Everyone!