Child-like Faith

I would like to think that I still have it to a certain extent. I have always been that way. A little different than most people when it came to trust. They say we bipolar-folk tend to take chances or put ourselves in positions that we shouldn't. I am just typing out what I am trying to figure out. From what I have read, and what I understood it to mean, when you have bipolar disorder, you trust more easily because you take chances easier or maybe not because you trust easier, because sometimes I trust noone. Maybe it's because I sometimes am not myself. I have to trust God. If I didn't, I would have nothing. I trust God more easily, because I have nothing else. I have been to the bottom of hell now. I couldn't say that before the past year, but I believe I can now. I have never been so miserable than I have been this year. God is the only thing that has kept me from killing myself and leaving my daughter with my cousin. She is happier with her anyway. She is with her now as a matter of fact. For the day only. She is coming home in a little bit. She will be spending the night on Thursday night. Last night my Baby Girl told my grandma that Mommy was sad. and also last night she told me she was sad. Then today, I asked her if she was happy she was getting to go play with her cousin and my cousin, and she said "yes, I am happy." That makes me happy when she is happy. It makes me sad that I make her sad. I just don't know how to not be sad. I am not always sad. The past 2 days, I really have felt better. It's just that it's a crap-shoot. Yesterday, I stayed in the tub for about 5 hours or more. Just thinking. Before that I hadn't bathed in at least 5 or 6 days. Discusting, I know. I didn't used to be a filthy person. I used to be really clean, and actually quite pretty. I worked at a gym and had a very good social life with good luck in men. I mean I am not bragging or exaggerating, but I was very pretty. Now, I have gained weight and I just don't care about my appearance. Why don't I care? It used to be such a big part of my life. I used to spend a lot of money on clothes and shoes and makeup. Now I don't even wear make-up. I only wear flip-flops and never even leave the house unless I am forced to. I hate people. I am in denial that life is going on outside around me-without me, I suppose. I don't know. Some days I don't eat anything, some days I eat a lot- junk food. My daughter spends a lot of time with my grandma and grandpa. I don't want to be this way. I take my medicine at night. I am on 60mg Cymbalta, 400mg Topamax, and 300mg Seroquel. Then I take Lopressor 50mg twice per day for high blood pressure. Then in the morning I take Wellbutrin XL 300mg, and Adderall 60mg. Then I have Xanax 3mg per day. I don't usually take my Xanax. I have Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADD, and occasional panic/anxiety disorder. They used to just think I had Major Depression. Wrong. I have a very self-destuctive personality. I am very self-defeating. I will sometimes stop taking my medicine for no reason and I don't even understand it myself, nor do I know how to stop myself from doing this when I do it. I am really trying to work on this. Hopefully, I will be able to stop this type of behavior with help from God. I have been trying to focus on being a stronger Christian. I really want to be a good mother. That is my biggest and most important goal in life. I want to teach my Baby Girl how to be a Godly and Graceful Girl with faith that is strong and that loves the Lord with all of her heart and soul. I want to teach her to lead a godly life and prepare her for a godly husband that I am praying for God to prepare for her. I am praying that God will prepare them for eachother starting now, so that they may grow in faith and in the Lord so that they will be strong in the Lord and have a strong trust in God so that nothing will ever come between them and that they will both be pure for eachother when they are married, and nothing and noone can/will ever break the bond that they will share with the Lord. That God will be the stronghold in their lives and that they may lead wonderful happy lives in love. I want my girl to have a long happy marriage with lots of beautiful children and a faithful husband. I love her so much! I want her to feel what it's like to be settled and loved and secure. Please Lord, let this come to pass! Thank You, Jesus! I am not perfect, and God knows I have a lot of guilt for my past, but I have asked for forgiveness for my past. I have been living in the past, I guess. I just don't know how to live in the present. My mom is dead, and I miss her. I don't want to face it that she can never come back. That sounds stupid, but it makes sense to me.