Did I Show Up Naked To The Masquerade Ball, or what?

Hey Friends! Happy Holidays To Everyone!!! I hope this finds you all well. Well, I will jump right in, it has been a long time. I will explain in a bit. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I don't mean like I need to be rushed to the sanitarium and lock me up - crazy, but a little odd - nagging feeling that keeps telling me somethings not right. I do not know how to process it in my head well enough to translate it into words for you. That is strange since I have been speaking the same language from the start. people out there, the only thing I can think of at the moment to explain what I remember at one of my darkest times is I was on my knees in the hot shower with my head laying on the shower floor--The fetal position basically except not on my side, the water was hitting my back really hard and it was really hot. I remember thinking for the first time in my life that my daughter would really be better off with When I was in elementary school I was the smartest kid in class. I won spelling bees. I loved to study. I went ahead in my school books. I am not bragging. I am just trying to figure this out in my own mind. Where did I go wrong? I didn't quit school. I just slacked on my grades. Didn't go to med school as I planned. Didn't even try. Didn't even want to at the time. I wish I had now. I got too interested in boys, and now I am not sure why I wouldn't have put more value in MY future and in ME. I put value in them. I never had my priorities straight. For the first time in my life I feel like I finally can think straight and I have my priorities in order. My doctor switched me to Cymbalta. I have heard terrible things about it, but I know (4) 3women and 1 man , who have been on it for a year or more and they have done very well on it. The reason I haven't written on here in a while is because I crashed (mood crash episode) in bed a two weeks or more, I don't keep days well unless I write everything down, (I also have ADD), it was worse than I have ever been. I almost went to the hospital. I seriously had never considered the thoughts I was having during that time. It was hell. Anyone who suffers with this horrible disease can understand what I am saying without me explaining, but for loved ones of BPNin and Da. That I needed to get my will made and notarized because the courts would never automatically give them custody. I am such a mess, I thought. She would forget about me for the most part soon enough, even though she would miss me, she would be happier without a mom like mine was when I got older (16+) depressed and threatening suicide every other day for the next twenty years. My mother killed herself twenty years after the first time she threatened. I am getting off track. Anyway, I actually started really seriously planning what would happen if I were to die, so I needed to get my stuff in order, be more responsible, make sure things are taken care of. Then I thought, that sure would make it easy to just one night be so miserable, and to know that Baby would go to a safe place where she would feel at home and be taken care of. Would that make it easier? I never have been one that thought of suicide. I was always so "Never, not me. I would never....blah...freakin'...blah" Now, I am just not myself. I talk to myself. I know it is me, but it's like me trying to help me. Or not help me. Or just vent. I am sounding worse and worse, but I don't care, because this is me, and I promised myself I would be honest, because honesty may not always be beautiful in the normal sense, but it is in it's own unique way. Everyone is beautiful to someone. Everyone is beautiful to God. I have done a lot of stuff to be ashamed of in my life. I may talk about that someday, but not yet. That's a whole other life. I have got a lot of those. It is really hard to open up and let your light shine. Even when you still have a mask on. Like right now. My mind is playing tricks on my again. I am sitting here wondering what in the heck is even happening at all. Why am I writing this? These letters look like one big jumble to me. They are all blobbing together. My mood has been a lot better since I have been on the Cymbalta. For the first week or week and a half it did nothing. I thought there was no hope. All I could do was stare at the TV or at my pictures or self destruct. During this time, I stopped going to my group. I still haven't had the courage to return. That is how fragile I still feel. I went to church Sunday night for choir at a family church that I grew up in, but that is family, so it's different than my new church that I haven't been to in weeks now. I am praying for the strength to return. I am praying for the strength and grace and forgiveness to start reading my Bible again several times a day and praying for my girl every time I think about it. The Power of a Praying Parent. It has some awesome prayers for our kids in it. I also haven't been listening to Christian music lately or listening to Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyer or Jesse Duplantis. They are all good. Joyce Meyer is an awesome teacher. Joel Osteen is so full of humbleness and joy. Jesse Duplantis is funny and lifts my spirits in Jesus' Name. I never liked televangelists until my mom became ill with Bipolar and would not leave the house, but loved to watch them on TV. I would watch them with her. She watched a lot more. Those are the ones I watch now when I feel up to it. The thing is, when I am at my worst, I rebel. I won't do good things, usually. I will subconsciously sabotage myself sometimes. I don't know for sure, but I think I do. I always try to take my two main medicine correctly, the Cymbalta 60mg. and the Topamax (300mg). Sometimes I will take no Xanax. I have a high tolerance for medicine. My history would explain why. My mother overdosed on lots and lots and lots and etc........ of pills everything you can imagine she had... She believed if I had a cough, give me some hydrocodone cough syrup. That will help. If I was nervous about the first day of school. Give me a xanax. She had me young and please do not write me to bash my mom. She really was an awesome mom in her own special way. She used to wake up at like 5am everyday and ask me what I wanted for breakfast before school. Then I would tell her. If we had enough money, ( she was single for a little while) she would go get me a mcmuffin. It's the holidays when I miss her. Maybe that's why I am thinking about her so much. Christmas was our favorite time of year. All holidays were special. She made such a huge deal out of Halloween and Easter and Valentine's Day and the 4th of July and Thanksgiving and Birthdays were right up there with Christmas for my mom. Her birthday is the 22nd of December. So she thought birthdays should be extra special. She always made the most elaborate party's. Not fancy like high class, but I am talking, balloons with tons of colors and beautiful curls of ribbons and streamers and character wrapping paper and always like 40 presents. At least 3 or4 nice more expensive gifts and then a bunch of small stuff. Stuff you can use like shampoo and toothpaste. Just fun things. It was always such a blast! It wasn't the stuff or money that she spent that was nice, it was the thought that she put into it and the time she spent. When I got old enough to help her fix stuff for my sister, we had some of my best memories of her. Christmas Eve we started the tradition of always for the last 9 or 10 years of Momma's life just Momma and I would stay up all night and wrap presents and talk and open our presents to each other and eat and just spend time together. I have kept that going by myself, since she died. I haven't slept on Christmas Eve, however, this year I have a goal to break that tradition and leave that in our past just for us. My hope is to have everything wrapped and ready as I finish getting it. I am not even done shopping. :() That is me screaming in fake horror flick terror, eyes wide open, hands on face. Jaw dropped to floor. I want to be in bed at a reasonable hour and be able to enjoy Christmas day. Oh, man. By the looks of things it's not looking good on the chances of me enjoying tomorrow terribly much unless I haul my behind to bed pretty fast, but I feel like my mind is spinning. I can't stop. I can't slow down. The thing is, I just need to get this out, then maybe I can breathe again. I felt like I was starting to get tight in my chest. That's how it starts. I don't want an unhealthy release. No meaningless fling. No ex-sex. I am celibate. Well I am and I have been for a little while anyway. I don't know exactly how long, but that is a big accomplishment for me. Especially to boost my wounded self-esteem. That is what I have done my entire life. I have just recently realized, they were helping me feel better, they were making me feel worse about myself, but the alcohol and different circumstances I was in was giving me the illusion that I was feeling better about myself at that time. I was really feeling a lot worse. Maybe if I get up and do some folding of the laundry or some or boring housework, I will get tired. I dislike housework very much. I really pray that one day God will teach me to enjoy my housework. I like cleaning the kitchen and the bathrooms. They are easy for me. They make since. I know where everything should go. There are no questions. But when something is out of place and it doesn't already have a "home" in the bedroom or living room or hall or den or computer office, it doesn't come easy to me on where to stick it. I don't have that logical sense on where to place it where it would best fit. I wonder if that is involved with ADD or Bipolar or both or neither. I was at a Halloween party and one of the moms there and I were talking. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. She and I talked for around an hour or longer. She said she thought I had borderline traits or maybe even borderline personality disorder. I got a book a read about it and it did have a lot of the same stuff that I recognized. It's something to think about, and something scared me last night. I definitely remember telling myself "you are back" whatever that means. Am I messing with myself? Please do not respond with any over reactive posts. I do not wish to harm myself now. I am now taking my meds properly. I am under the care of my doctor and am living with my family. For now, my medicine seems to be stabilized. I do have my moments of weird doubts about reality. I just don't know what is real and what is not. I wonder sometimes if I am dreaming. That is one of the reasons for posting. Then it will make it "real". I am going to say goodnight. I wish you all happy holidays! I will try to keep in touch more often. Stay safe. Take care. Peace. Love. Faith.