Me? A Junkie? Do-huh?

I am slowly becoming an addict. A computer Junkie. It happened slowly, so I
didn't see it coming. Now, I am on my trusty little laptop when I wake up,
when I get bored, when I watch TV, when my daughter is napping, and in the
evening after she goes to bed. The problem is, I end up staying up
freakishly late. I have had insomnia my entire life. Like seriously, even
when I was four, I remember not sleeping well. So this has always been a big
issue for me, not to mention a thorn in my side. The sleep issue was
improving a little for the past month. I had started going to bed at a
reasonable time. Even if I could not go to sleep, I would still go to bed.
That is when I was not on the computer and that is when the blogging did not
happen. It just happened to be the day after I started my blog. That is
really hard for me to do, because my mind does the game of "what if this
happens?" and the worst-case scenerios play out in my head and I can see
terrible scenes happening to me or people I love and it's awful, so I try to
keep the TV on or something to cope with that. It is very unhealthy, and
probably not at all normal, but that is how I have coped since I was a kid,
and I know nothing else. It is something I don't tell people. One of my best
friends (I have two, but they don't know the depth of the deepest, darkest
Beauty) anyway I will call my friend, Miss Good Buddy, for now, when I spend
the night at her house, as I have been doing for the past 16 years, she
knows that I need a TV. I don't have to have cable. I just have to watch
something. Chinese folk music, the Spanish news, River Dancing, I don't care
~ just get my mind free of the crap that "haunts me in the night" and I am
okay. Well, you get the point.
So, my mood has been increasingly funky. I need to get myself together and
get a shower. Tonight, I am taking my little daughter (almost 2 in Dec.) to
church tricker treating, while I go to church Bible Study Class. It is cool,
because they have it in the same building. My faith is important to me,
because I know God does perform miracles in my life. This is not a sermon. I
am just so thankful for my daughter. I was married in 2001, left my husband
in 2003, and I got pregnant in 2004. My ex is not the father. My
ex-boyfriend before my husband is the father. Too bad he turned out to be a
really poor example for a human being. No child support yet, and he made 42
thousand the year she was born. That is an entire other rant/blog. I had a
lot of health problems when I was pregnant, and she was nearly 6 weeks
early, but she was only in the NICU for 3 1/2 weeks. I was in there too, for
heart problems from the toxemia and stuff. We survived, and she is so
awesome. I need to go get her right now. No time for spell check. Have a
great day!

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It's Been A Long Time, Old Friend

Sorry it's been so long. I'm still here. Posts will be back on soon. Life has been rather hectic and my medicine had to be switched around a couple of times. I am starting to get used to the change, I think. I hope to post again tonight. Later.

My First Blog

This is for me to share the good, bad, and ugly--so to speak. I will not let myself pay too much attention to detail on grammar and punctuation, because I am a somewhat of a perfectionist at heart. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, too. After I had my baby girl in December 2004, I developed severe post-pardam depression with psychosis. These things do not define me ~ not who I am, but they do play a part in my life. They make life very hard sometimes, but they also make me see the good more clearly and want to hold on tight when I am "well". I've been lower than low at times over the past 3 years- I have never known such terror existed, and I have learned to appreciate a good day and thank God for letting me survive. At times, I am highly intellectual and I get very profound thoughts(well, in my mind I am downright ingenious- sometimes)...it's actually getting these thoughts to stay in my brain long enough to get to a pen and paper or my trusty laptop before they flutter away that I have a problem with. There are so many wonderful ideas I have, but my brain just cannot seem to keep up. That is frustrating. I am new to blogging. I am going to try to start fancy-smancyin' it up along the way. Putting in pictures and new fonts and cool things like that. I will remain anonymous, but I will be giving the cast of my world nicknames. Some will have small parts, others will have permanent roles. There will be villains and knowing me, I will probably add a couple of fictitious characters now and then just for fun, but I will let you sweet bloggin' friends in on it. Don't want to leave you in the dark or nothin'. Also, I live in the big city now, but I come from the country, so when I am tired, I at times revert back to my country bumpkin' ways of speaking. I will get that country drawl, I don't know how it works, but I even do it in my typing. So if I say something like, Hay, yall. I am stupefied tired or drunk. A quick little tidbit on my life: my daughter is almost two. We have two dogs. They are babies too. We dance around the kitchen when we cook dinner. We love to sing. I desperately want to get myself able to handle life relatively symptom-free by the time my girl is old enough to understand and have to go to school. I don't want her to have to be worried what Mommy is gonna do or say. I don't want her to be embarrassed to have her friends over or introduce me to her friend's parents. That scares me. My mom committed suicide a few years back. I don't know if you ever really get over something like that. It gets easier, but I still break down and cry like a baby in the shower for her when I have a bad day. I still cry myself to sleep holding her picture tight sometimes too. I didn't do that for a long time until after I had my little girl, then it was like I went through her death all over again. She died a little over 2 1/2 years before my daughter was born and I thought I was over it, then I wasn't. If people read this and it helps them, then I am glad. I am going to be 100% honest about me. I get silly, sad, depressed, manic, happy, dramatic, angry, raging, loving, apathetic, etc...sometimes in the same day. I am me, and it's not bad. I have got a ton to be thankful for. God has blessed me in so many ways. I took chances with my life that I didn't even know I was doing in my manic craziness. I think this is enough for now. Take care.