My First Blog

This is for me to share the good, bad, and ugly--so to speak. I will not let myself pay too much attention to detail on grammar and punctuation, because I am a somewhat of a perfectionist at heart. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, too. After I had my baby girl in December 2004, I developed severe post-pardam depression with psychosis. These things do not define me ~ not who I am, but they do play a part in my life. They make life very hard sometimes, but they also make me see the good more clearly and want to hold on tight when I am "well". I've been lower than low at times over the past 3 years- I have never known such terror existed, and I have learned to appreciate a good day and thank God for letting me survive. At times, I am highly intellectual and I get very profound thoughts(well, in my mind I am downright ingenious- sometimes)...it's actually getting these thoughts to stay in my brain long enough to get to a pen and paper or my trusty laptop before they flutter away that I have a problem with. There are so many wonderful ideas I have, but my brain just cannot seem to keep up. That is frustrating. I am new to blogging. I am going to try to start fancy-smancyin' it up along the way. Putting in pictures and new fonts and cool things like that. I will remain anonymous, but I will be giving the cast of my world nicknames. Some will have small parts, others will have permanent roles. There will be villains and knowing me, I will probably add a couple of fictitious characters now and then just for fun, but I will let you sweet bloggin' friends in on it. Don't want to leave you in the dark or nothin'. Also, I live in the big city now, but I come from the country, so when I am tired, I at times revert back to my country bumpkin' ways of speaking. I will get that country drawl, I don't know how it works, but I even do it in my typing. So if I say something like, Hay, yall. I am stupefied tired or drunk. A quick little tidbit on my life: my daughter is almost two. We have two dogs. They are babies too. We dance around the kitchen when we cook dinner. We love to sing. I desperately want to get myself able to handle life relatively symptom-free by the time my girl is old enough to understand and have to go to school. I don't want her to have to be worried what Mommy is gonna do or say. I don't want her to be embarrassed to have her friends over or introduce me to her friend's parents. That scares me. My mom committed suicide a few years back. I don't know if you ever really get over something like that. It gets easier, but I still break down and cry like a baby in the shower for her when I have a bad day. I still cry myself to sleep holding her picture tight sometimes too. I didn't do that for a long time until after I had my little girl, then it was like I went through her death all over again. She died a little over 2 1/2 years before my daughter was born and I thought I was over it, then I wasn't. If people read this and it helps them, then I am glad. I am going to be 100% honest about me. I get silly, sad, depressed, manic, happy, dramatic, angry, raging, loving, apathetic, etc...sometimes in the same day. I am me, and it's not bad. I have got a ton to be thankful for. God has blessed me in so many ways. I took chances with my life that I didn't even know I was doing in my manic craziness. I think this is enough for now. Take care.