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This Manic Mother Sucks Sometimes...and other shit.

I don't have much time to write, as I am waiting for my shitass doctor's office to return my call so that I can go pick up my prescription in the next few mins. I just had this thought running through my mind, and didn't want it to slip away like all of my other fleeting thoughts that are but a forgotten memory. I think I may be a little manic. Anyway. Ever since I was a little girl, as little as I can remember, I have always been afraid of the dark. It's hard to admit that now, because I am a big girl, you know, and I am a mommy. It's so stupid. Why should I be afraid of the dark? It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I have made leaps and bounds of progress in the past 5 years since my mother's death. The night she died, I started to feel her love surround me in a way. Like she is always there in some way, protecting me, somehow, a little. I have a very vivid dreamworld in my head, I truly live in a fantasyland to some extent, always have. Probably built this world in my mind to function easier when reality was just too painful. I need the escape. I still need the escape. Life is just too much sometimes. I just want to crawl in my bed and pull my soft, comfortable, navy blue veloux blanket up around my neck and turn on my TV and me and my two dogs will just take a ride to TV Land. I love TV land. I have mentioned that before, I am sure. I am currently losing myself in PC Land, as of late. That is just as bad. Luckily, Baby Girl is spending the night at cousins tonight. I haven't been a great mom lately. I feel pretty much like a piece of shit, loser-face. I know these are what do they call it? self-deprecating thoughts? I should go to the Lord and pray for peace, but I am just too fucked in the head at this moment with guilt and fucked up stomach shit. My stomach is churning with anxiety. I feel like I need to just spew all of the bad feelings and all of the anger and all of the anxiety and madness that is inside of me all over the room. Sounds messy, but tempting. I just don't know how to get these feelings out yet. I am sure this feeling will subside. I gotta call those fuck faces back. They close in 35 fucking minutes and I am getting my fucking scripts today whether those MFs know it or not. over and out - manic aurora

a little manic

I don't have much time to write, as I am waiting for my shitass doctor's office to return my call so that I can go pick up my prescription in the next few mins. I just had this thought running through my mind, and didn't want it to slip away like all of my other fleeting thoughts that are but a forgotten memory. I think I may be a little manic. Anyway. Ever since I was a little girl, as little as I can remember, I have always been afraid of the dark. It's hard to admit that now, because I am a big girl, you know, and I am a mommy. It's so stupid. Why should I be afraid of the dark? It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I have made leaps and bounds of progress in the past 5 years since my mother's death. The night she died, I started to feel her love surround me in a way. Like she is always there in some way, protecting me, somehow, a little. I have a very vivid dreamworld in my head, I truly live in a fantasyland to some extent, always have. Probably built this world in my mind to function easier when reality was just too painful. I need the escape. I still need the escape. Life is just too much sometimes. I just want to crawl in my bed and pull my soft, comfortable, navy blue veloux blanket up around my neck and turn on my TV and me and my two dogs will just take a ride to TV Land. I love TV land. I have mentioned that before, I am sure. I am currently losing myself in PC Land, as of late. That is just as bad. Luckily, Baby Girl is spending the night at cousins tonight. I haven't been a great mom lately. I feel pretty much like a piece of shit, loser-face. I know these are what do they call it? self depricating thoughts? I should go to the Lord and pray for peace, but I am just too fucked in the head at this moment with guilt and fucked up stomach shit. My stomach is churning with anxiety. I feel like I need to just spew all of the bad feelings and all of the anger and all of the anxiety and madness that is inside of me all over the room. Sounds messy, but tempting. I just don't know how to get these feelings out yet. I am sure this feeling will subside. I gotta call those fuck faces back. They close in 35 fucking minutes and I am getting my fucking scrips today whether those motherfuckers know it or not. over and out manic aurora

The Boy I Can't Forget

There was a boy I met in January. I fell hopelessly in love with him. My God, I can't stop thinking of him. Yesterday, that is who I thought of for the 5 hours I was in the tub. Probably, because the 2 days we spent together at a hotel, we took so many fun baths together. We would run a bath like every couple of hours and put bubble bath that smelled like the ocean. His name is CJ. I should not have fallen so hard for him, but I didn't mean to. It just happened, and I don't completely understand it. I felt like he was my soulmate. Will I ever forget him? I don't think so. Will I ever see him again? I hope so, but a part of me doesn't really think so. He was so beautiful. He has brown hair. It was short, but he said he looks really good when it grows long. I met him in the Psych ward. We had so much fun. We ran outside like we were kids, chasing eachother. We would sneak kisses and anything else we could get away with there, but all along we wanted eachother so much. Then when I got out, and then I called and somehow got him out. He walked up University Avenue, and I barely got there fast enough, walking from my house and I screamed his name and then he finally heard me and we ran for eachother. We got in touch with my cousin and she brought my weed and my money and my pills, and we got her to take us to the local LaQuinta on FairPark. We had the gas station right there. It was so perfect. We had 2 full nights of wonderful passion. He was only 20. I am 32, so he was quite young to me, and what a beautiful body! I wish I could find him now. I lost him. He had to go back to the hospital, because I didn't have anywhere for him to stay during that time, and then he got shipped off and then we lost touch, and now I don't know where he went. It's been a long time since we've spoken. Both of us were going through lots of stuff during some of that time, so it was hard to keep in touch, but now I want to find him, but I can't. I remember, we would eat oranges, and get high. Take baths and watch Disney Channel. We would get out of the bath and run to the bed and make love wet all over the bed until we were dry. Then we would go for a walk or take a nap. We always were laughing, because he was so funny and I can be pretty funny if I am around someone funny. So we constantly were laughing and joking around. He made me so happy! We talked about getting married. I would have married him if I had my own house then, but my gp's wouldn't let him come home with me then, but now I have my own money, and plenty of money for us to live on, so if I could just find him now, we could move out or live here and be so happy together. I still love him. He told me that our song was Rascal Flatts "These Days". He loves Adam Sandler. He can dance really good. He's tall. He told me he loved it that I had a daughter. He didn't think he could ever have kids. I know it all sounds crazy. I met him at the Psych Ward and all, that is where we met and got to know eachother. We became friends. We talked a lot. We fell in like and then in lust and then in infatuation, and then over the next few weeks over the phone, in love. But I know what I know, and he was real. I know in my soul that he was good, CJ. R. I miss him. I love him. It's sad I guess that I haven't moved on, and he I am sure has, but I haven't met anyone that I want to move on for. What's the point? When I do, I suppose I will too. I don't cry over him, or get all crazy over him or anything, I just think of him. He's who I love. He is who I had some of the most fun I have ever had with. He made me happier than any person ever has, because I could really be myself with him and he liked my anyway. He made me laugh harder than I have in such a long time. I missed laughing that hard. I miss it now. We truly had a great time, and I miss it. He made me feel pretty and sexy and young. He was so sweet. I wish that I had been financially stable at the time. If I had, he may be with me now. I guess I am more lonely than I realized. I just miss him, and my heart still belongs to him. I am obsessing now. I need to stop and get my chores done. I'd like to think that he thinks of me every now and then.

Child-like Faith

I would like to think that I still have it to a certain extent. I have always been that way. A little different than most people when it came to trust. They say we bipolar-folk tend to take chances or put ourselves in positions that we shouldn't. I am just typing out what I am trying to figure out. From what I have read, and what I understood it to mean, when you have bipolar disorder, you trust more easily because you take chances easier or maybe not because you trust easier, because sometimes I trust noone. Maybe it's because I sometimes am not myself. I have to trust God. If I didn't, I would have nothing. I trust God more easily, because I have nothing else. I have been to the bottom of hell now. I couldn't say that before the past year, but I believe I can now. I have never been so miserable than I have been this year. God is the only thing that has kept me from killing myself and leaving my daughter with my cousin. She is happier with her anyway. She is with her now as a matter of fact. For the day only. She is coming home in a little bit. She will be spending the night on Thursday night. Last night my Baby Girl told my grandma that Mommy was sad. and also last night she told me she was sad. Then today, I asked her if she was happy she was getting to go play with her cousin and my cousin, and she said "yes, I am happy." That makes me happy when she is happy. It makes me sad that I make her sad. I just don't know how to not be sad. I am not always sad. The past 2 days, I really have felt better. It's just that it's a crap-shoot. Yesterday, I stayed in the tub for about 5 hours or more. Just thinking. Before that I hadn't bathed in at least 5 or 6 days. Discusting, I know. I didn't used to be a filthy person. I used to be really clean, and actually quite pretty. I worked at a gym and had a very good social life with good luck in men. I mean I am not bragging or exaggerating, but I was very pretty. Now, I have gained weight and I just don't care about my appearance. Why don't I care? It used to be such a big part of my life. I used to spend a lot of money on clothes and shoes and makeup. Now I don't even wear make-up. I only wear flip-flops and never even leave the house unless I am forced to. I hate people. I am in denial that life is going on outside around me-without me, I suppose. I don't know. Some days I don't eat anything, some days I eat a lot- junk food. My daughter spends a lot of time with my grandma and grandpa. I don't want to be this way. I take my medicine at night. I am on 60mg Cymbalta, 400mg Topamax, and 300mg Seroquel. Then I take Lopressor 50mg twice per day for high blood pressure. Then in the morning I take Wellbutrin XL 300mg, and Adderall 60mg. Then I have Xanax 3mg per day. I don't usually take my Xanax. I have Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADD, and occasional panic/anxiety disorder. They used to just think I had Major Depression. Wrong. I have a very self-destuctive personality. I am very self-defeating. I will sometimes stop taking my medicine for no reason and I don't even understand it myself, nor do I know how to stop myself from doing this when I do it. I am really trying to work on this. Hopefully, I will be able to stop this type of behavior with help from God. I have been trying to focus on being a stronger Christian. I really want to be a good mother. That is my biggest and most important goal in life. I want to teach my Baby Girl how to be a Godly and Graceful Girl with faith that is strong and that loves the Lord with all of her heart and soul. I want to teach her to lead a godly life and prepare her for a godly husband that I am praying for God to prepare for her. I am praying that God will prepare them for eachother starting now, so that they may grow in faith and in the Lord so that they will be strong in the Lord and have a strong trust in God so that nothing will ever come between them and that they will both be pure for eachother when they are married, and nothing and noone can/will ever break the bond that they will share with the Lord. That God will be the stronghold in their lives and that they may lead wonderful happy lives in love. I want my girl to have a long happy marriage with lots of beautiful children and a faithful husband. I love her so much! I want her to feel what it's like to be settled and loved and secure. Please Lord, let this come to pass! Thank You, Jesus! I am not perfect, and God knows I have a lot of guilt for my past, but I have asked for forgiveness for my past. I have been living in the past, I guess. I just don't know how to live in the present. My mom is dead, and I miss her. I don't want to face it that she can never come back. That sounds stupid, but it makes sense to me.

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes.......

Dear Friends: I hope this letter finds you well. Sorry it has been so long since my last blog, but I have been going through some very difficult struggles both mental and physical. Mostly mental, but that makes me sick. One vicious Bipolar/Borderline Circle of Life. Well, that is what it feels like for me since Christmas. I went through a full blown manic episode during the holidays and was hospitalized twice. I am feeling much better now. Not everything is perfect. I am in therapy twice per week with a Doctor of Psychology and once with a P-doc. An hour each time. It's really helping. Then there is my little daughter who is two years old. She is always learning something new. My only wish and prayer and hope is that I will not go into that place in my head, way deep in my mind where it is easier to stay and not deal with anyone. I call it "TV Land". I love TV land... I have so much to say. It's just one big box of clutter in my mind right now. I can't decide where to start. Christmas, I stayed up the entire week before Christmas--shopping at all hours...spending every penny I had. Buying stuff we really didn't need. My daughter had plenty. Then it happened. I started with the buying nonsense. 30 packages of swimmers pants for kids. All sizes. Sales. 3 Santa outfits that didn't fit anyone. 20 packages of wrapping paper. I can't remember what else. We are talking some crazy shit! I stayed up getting ready for Christmas the week before Christmas so much, that on Christmas Day, I was delirious and in no position to be around anyone on Christmas Day. I was in my own world by this time. It just got worse: Then there was the incident where I was in charge of getting the meat for a party. 20 pounds of meat for a big party. I went to the grocery store and went right there and got it and then I saw an after Christmas sale. I was in full fledge Bipolar Manic Mode. I looked and was enjoying myself for 15 hours. The only reason I left is because a member of my family came to help me. They got the meat, and took it home and I told them I was coming home then and stayed 5 more hours. Yeah, it's nuts, I know. My sister's wedding was at the end of Dec. and I was supposed to be in it, but by then I was too far gone. I trashed my home, going through things to find things I thought I needed. I was trying to clean and I messed it up trying to clean it up. I wasn't sleeping. Time ran together. Hours and minutes seemed as one. Then things cleared up in my head after a couple of weeks and I was like WTF? Who did all this shit? WTF happened to my house? I mean it's never really cleaned up completely neat, but this was rediculous. This had been one of the worst episodes I had had. I still don't remember things that people tell me I said and did. I checked myself into Rehab on Jan 17th I don't know how much it really helped, but I find that sometimes I would love to just go back for a few days. Things were simple there. I am not going to, not unless I have to. Right now, I am going to enjoy my baby girl. She is 2 years old. She is so smart. She just fed me a Cheez-It. We are watching Lilo and Stitch. That is one of our favorites. It's Easter, and we are having lunch later. I would have gone to church, but I wrecked my truck and it's in the shop until May most likely, and we didn't get ready in time to catch a ride. Happy Easter Everyone!