a little manic

I don't have much time to write, as I am waiting for my shitass doctor's office to return my call so that I can go pick up my prescription in the next few mins. I just had this thought running through my mind, and didn't want it to slip away like all of my other fleeting thoughts that are but a forgotten memory. I think I may be a little manic. Anyway. Ever since I was a little girl, as little as I can remember, I have always been afraid of the dark. It's hard to admit that now, because I am a big girl, you know, and I am a mommy. It's so stupid. Why should I be afraid of the dark? It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I have made leaps and bounds of progress in the past 5 years since my mother's death. The night she died, I started to feel her love surround me in a way. Like she is always there in some way, protecting me, somehow, a little. I have a very vivid dreamworld in my head, I truly live in a fantasyland to some extent, always have. Probably built this world in my mind to function easier when reality was just too painful. I need the escape. I still need the escape. Life is just too much sometimes. I just want to crawl in my bed and pull my soft, comfortable, navy blue veloux blanket up around my neck and turn on my TV and me and my two dogs will just take a ride to TV Land. I love TV land. I have mentioned that before, I am sure. I am currently losing myself in PC Land, as of late. That is just as bad. Luckily, Baby Girl is spending the night at cousins tonight. I haven't been a great mom lately. I feel pretty much like a piece of shit, loser-face. I know these are what do they call it? self depricating thoughts? I should go to the Lord and pray for peace, but I am just too fucked in the head at this moment with guilt and fucked up stomach shit. My stomach is churning with anxiety. I feel like I need to just spew all of the bad feelings and all of the anger and all of the anxiety and madness that is inside of me all over the room. Sounds messy, but tempting. I just don't know how to get these feelings out yet. I am sure this feeling will subside. I gotta call those fuck faces back. They close in 35 fucking minutes and I am getting my fucking scrips today whether those motherfuckers know it or not. over and out manic aurora