Tough Day

Today has been rough, and I feel like sharing. So here it goes: There is a person in my life that is important to me. All of my life I have always wanted to make them proud, and well, that is hard to do. In fact, it appears that it is nearly impossible for me. I need to accept that and get over it. That is what makes days like today so hard. I haven't accepted it yet. I just get my feelings hurt. I throw myself a huge pity party and either get sad or mad or both. I have always been compassionate. "Tender-hearted", was what they called me in grade-school. I went to a small Christian school, and we were given awards for our "gifts", and I was Most Tenderhearted. I now realize that that also means I get my feelings hurt very easily and I have a hard time reaching out to people about my problems. Even blogging is hard, but I feel it is very therapeutic and I am starting to feel more comfortable sharing my thoughts on here as I read other blogs- where people really open up and really lay their heart out here for us to see. It gives me a sense of not being so alone with this illness, I guess is what I am trying to say. I mean, I usually feel all alone even when I am standing in a crowd of people. Even if I know the people I am with, I may still feel all alone. That is just me. It's how I have always been, except when I was drunk or high during my "party time". I have noticed that since I started taking my Topamax, I haven't had much of an anger problem. Well, let me say, I can quickly get control of my feelings, and the anger passes or I just walk away and say a prayer or read my Bible or do something else. Because even though I am compassionate, I also had some serious rage issues during my teenage-college years. The anger would be so much, it was like it wasn't even me. I would almost black out or be looking at myself from across the room. I never hurt anyone, but I would just yell and scream. Oh, I did give my ex-boyfriend a black eye once, but that is all another story..... Well, dinner is ready, and my little girl needs me. I just needed to vent. I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. Have a goodnight.